What do you Think Happens After Death?

Why should I fear death?

If I am, then death is not.

If death is, then I am not.

Why should I fear that which can only exist when I do not?

Epicurus

What do you think happens after death? I know, I know, this is a dark subject to bring up in the morning, as if mornings are not horrific enough. But I can’t help it, I must know. The only reason I'm curious about this is because my dad just died, and I want to know that he’s hanging out in bliss somewhere.

But the truth is that there is no way to know, is there?

But how could he be happy without me, without us? All of us? Is he living without the world? Well, to be honest, what has the world done for me lately, except disappoint me? Is he in another world? A better world? A world where people are not assholes? Is there such a thing?

I only know Earth, and I’m heavily disappointed in most of its inhabitants. I mean, maybe I’m wrong. My uncle recently told me that there are more good people than bad. Is that true? When you watch the news, it doesn’t feel like it. That’s probably why you shouldn’t watch the news unless you're masochistic. 

I believe in reincarnation, but I’m not sure that it happens right away. I can feel my dad’s presence. This could very well be a symptom of my overactive imagination. I don’t hear him talking to me or anything, don’t worry, but I feel he’s around watching over us. Like he wants to make sure we can make it without him. I believe in reincarnation, but I think some souls skip all that and go straight to heaven. I mean, maybe that was my father.

Can we live without him, though? I know I’m biased, but he was the best father who ever existed. Please don’t question me on this one. I’m not confident about many things, but I know I’m right about this. I know I’m in mourning and that clouds your vision and you idealize people who are dead and all but I stand by my statement. He was the best. 

Will I ever meet him again? I know I’m certifiably crazy, but I think I will see him again in another life. He’s someone who I had a soul connection with. Have you ever had that with someone, like you know for sure you’ve known them in a past life?    

I think souls travel together. This might seem like mythology to you, and that’s okay; it’s just my belief system. We can agree to disagree on this one. 

And where is god in this picture? I don’t know, sometimes he’s absent a lot. Like, where is he right now while the world is self-destructing? Is he there for my dad? Is he there for me? Is he even alive anymore? Nitzietche said god is dead. Now Nitzietche is dead. 

I don’t know, I do believe in god, but sometimes I wonder what exactly he’s up to. None of this makes sense. Death doesn’t make sense to me either. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to live forever, I want to live to like 75, and then I think that’s enough life for me. (I’m thinking of starting a cocaine habit in my late seventies, that’s how I’d like to go out, in bliss myself.)

My father was 82, that’s pretty old. He lived a good, full, long life. What am I crying about? I just wish I could still talk to him. I have things left that I want to say. Maybe he can still hear me. 

I want to tell him simple, mundane things, like how the weather is perfect right now this fall. I want to tell him that I think I might be happy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him every single day. I want to tell him that I will never meet someone like him again and that he was special. I was my father’s caregiver at the end of his life. I want to tell him that I’m grateful that I got the opportunity to serve him in his most difficult moments.

I want to tell him that I’m a totally average person and that I didn’t deserve someone as great as him. I want him to know that I appreciate that he was right about almost everything, except the fact that he thought I should be a doctor. Dad, really think about me in an operating room. It would not be pretty. 

He always asked me why I couldn’t write a book like Harry Potter. He told me the woman who wrote that is “Richer than the queen of England!” He came up with the title of my first novel, The Sikh Patient. He was witty and smart. Let’s not forget the time he decided that I should call myself a guru since I was writing about spiritual stuff, and make tons of money from my followers. The only problem with the idea was that I don’t really have enough wisdom to be any kind of leader.  

I don’t think he’s like dead, dead. Like no more. I don’t believe that, I think he lives on, in some form or another. But where and how, and why? What is this life about, and what is death? Why do we go through all this stuff in life only to die? 

You know what I mean? That’s the ending. The whole show, with all its agony and ecstasy, ends with you either being put in the ground or burned to ashes. I have to admit it myself, this is depressing. 

Death can be funny. Have you ever seen Death at a Funeral? I highly recommend this movie; it is one of the most hilarious films I’ve ever seen. I mean, are we going to cry or are we going to laugh? So what, life’s a bitch and then you die. 

The joke is on us. This could all be a huge metaphysical joke played on us, by us, another version of us up in the sky, our soul. I kind of think that is true, as weird as that may sound. I know it’s out there, but I think we created our own lives for us to experience something, and that something might be joy sometimes, and sometimes it is pain. 

Why would we want to experience suffering? Because you can’t know light unless you see the darkness. But actually, that’s too simple; it’s probably far more complex than that. It’s possible that once we die, we are finally set free. It may be a good thing, a great thing, the only thing. 

All I know right now is that it’s hard to set someone else free. To watch as they go away to another place, even if that place is allegedly better. Death may not be hard for those who die, but it is so difficult for those who are left behind. 

Dad, maybe one day I can join you. Not right now, though, I still have work left to do. I want to fulfill your legacy. I have to live a life that’s up to your standards. 

I will try to live, really live, every moment, for you. I’ll try to be grateful and not take anything for granted. I will be the best version of me and make you proud. I love you…And your memory, I won’t take that for granted. I will remember you…

nina