The People I Almost Became
Every so often, I think about the people I almost became. Not in a tragic way. More like flipping through a catalog and wondering what that sweater would have looked like on me. There was the therapist version, the lawyer version, the version who moved away, the version who stayed exactly where she was…
When I was 16, I wanted to be a therapist, a psychologist, someone who sat around and listened to people’s problems. I was convinced that what I really wanted to do was talk to people for a living. Then one day, I went to a friend’s birthday party, and another friend of mine started spilling her worst fears and insecurities. She told me her brother used to abuse her and that she often thought about killing herself.
Honestly, I couldn’t handle it. I realized right there that I did not want to listen to people telling me their problems; I had enough of my own.
Then, when I went to college, I decided for sure I would become a lawyer. But the truth is, I didn’t want to be a real-life lawyer; I think I wanted to be a lawyer on TV. I loved the idea of a courtroom drama, whereas real-life law is a lot of paperwork, etc. I would have literally died of boredom.
It may come as a shock, but I’m very dramatic. Some friends have told me I missed my calling in acting. But the truth is, I don’t like cameras and lights on me. But sometimes I imagine a me that is in the movies, lamenting emotionally about this and that. What I imagine the most is me making an audience laugh about something that would otherwise be very serious.
I once gave a speech in high school about the Trail of Tears. My history teacher told me she cried every time she heard it. Somehow, when I delivered it, the entire class started laughing. I still feel a little guilty about that. It was a tragic speech, but apparently, I had an accidental gift for comedy.
There are many roads I could have taken, but in many ways, I did take the road less traveled. And yes, that has made all the difference.
When I went to grad school, I wanted to live in New York for the rest of my life. I loved it so much. I wonder who I would be if I had stayed in New York. I probably could not have stayed in Manhattan; I would probably have moved to Brooklyn or somewhere cheaper.
I would have been a city girl. A woman who probably took the subway every day and lived in a small apartment. But what I loved about the city was how you could walk everywhere; that’s the thing I miss the most. I wonder if I would have been lonely without my family, would I have made new friends there?
I think the one path I could have taken in my life that I wonder about the most is having children. On the one hand, I think it may be a good thing that I didn’t have children because I have had depression and mania, and that may have affected them very negatively. On the other hand, I think I could have been a great mother, but I’m not sure that I really want people dependent on me.
Another path I could have taken was growing up in India. I stayed there as a very young child. What if I never came back to the U.S.? Would I have a husband and four kids? Would that be so bad? I don’t know…All I know is that I would be a totally different person, or so I think.
Would I still be writing in India? What language would I be writing in? Would I be more connected to my culture? Probably. Would I have become more traditional or rebelled against it? I probably would have rebelled at least a little. Would I still be me? I can’t decide how much of myself is a product of my culture.
But maybe I’m overestimating the difference between Americans and Indians. Honestly, I don’t know if I would have been happier had I stayed there. I guess I’ll never know.
There is a version of me that could have become a very famous author. That version is still a possibility, I like to think. But if I had found fame and fortune at a younger age, would I be a different person? Would I be happier? I have found in my own life that people who are wealthier or more successful are not necessarily happier. But I don’t know if they are necessarily sadder either.
The real question is, am I content with where I am in life right here, right now? And the answer, after many years of searching, is yes. I am actually happy and fulfilled. I don’t have everything I theoretically want or need, but I have enough.
Am I good with the path that I chose to travel? Career-wise, writing and teaching are two things I love deeply. In my personal life, I have made very strong friendships that I cherish. My love life is not exactly where I want it to be, but there is always something we are yearning for; perhaps that's part of being alive.
I’m not a millionaire, but I’m also not homeless; many of us are riding somewhere between those two extremes. I have a lot, and that has not been lost on me. I really believe that the only thing you can do to be happy is be grateful for whatever you have, because everyone has something that’s worth having.
The older I get, the less interested I am in the people I could have been and the more interested I am in understanding the person I actually became.
Do I wish I had taken a different path? Not really, not at all. I wouldn’t be the person that I am had I not taken the roads that I chose. I was not pushed into anything and am grateful for that. I am grateful for who I have become and the life I have chosen to live. My only real regret is not realizing this sooner.
nina
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A couple of friends and I started a podcast called 2 Curries and a Ranch. Listen here: https://2curriesandaranch.riverside.com/ or wherever you get your podcasts.
Imagine two loud, dramatic, hilarious Indian women explaining to a white man what it's like to grow up and live in America. Join us for laughter, deep thoughts, and witty banter about life, love and culture. We tell it like it is, with honest, bold and funny stories, discussions and arguments. We explore boundaries and challenge norms. Join us for a good talk.
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