The Olympics of Overthinking
Opening Ceremony
So I show up three hours early because I'm a nerd, and nerds are always early. The normal people haven't even left their houses yet. Does everyone know I arrived three hours early? Have they somehow sensed it? I'm thinking before I'm overthinking in case I forget to think.
The Imaginary Argument Relay
I’m replaying a conversation with my mother from six years ago. She was yelling at me for coming home after midnight. I tried to tell her I’m too old for this shit. I should have told her that if she bothered me anymore about it, I would not come home at all. Yeah, that’s it. Of course, I deserve an award for coming up with a comeback, even though my mom, I’m sure, doesn’t remember that we ever had this conversation. Meanwhile, I've spent six years perfecting my response.
Text Message Gymnastics
I texted my friend an entire paragraph about how I was going to be late. The response I got was, “K.” Is she angry? Is she just busy? Did I offend her? Is this the end of the friendship? Why am I crazy? Should I write her back and apologize profusely? Why don’t I know how to manage simple interactions with people? Is there something wrong with me? Does everyone know?
The Catastrophizing Triathlon
I have a slight headache. I look up symptoms of a brain tumor, because what else could it be? I don’t take a painkiller because why bother? I’m probably dying. I should probably write my own obituary by lunchtime. Who knows how much time I have left?
The Social Interaction Decathlon
I haven’t seen this woman in years. I say hello. What does hello really mean? I could have been more creative; I should have said something better, more clever, warmer. Hello was a bad choice. I’m so boring. Hello, long time no see, is what I could have said. Was hello too enthusiastic, maybe I should have said hi. I’ve literally forgotten how to talk.
The Insomnia Marathon
It starts at 2 am, and it basically never ends. I’m too tired to get up and do anything, but not too tired to mentally break down my entire life, and all the choices I’ve made, all the mistakes I’ve made, and everything that could possibly go wrong in the future, near and far.
Wrestling With Writing
I will write something and immediately think it is the worst thing I have ever written. I will add to it, edit it, and then start thinking I’m just making it worse. After I publish it, I’m convinced that I have embarrassed myself by putting it out there. This doesn’t always happen, but it happens enough. Then someone tells me they liked it, and I assume they're just being polite.
The Grocery Store Freestyle
I waved at someone from across the aisle. Halfway through the wave, I realized I didn't actually know them. Now I have to move to another state. I start drinking a pop I picked up before I get to the register. I hand it to the cashier and wonder if she will call the manager, call the police, or just do a citizen's arrest. I start mentally preparing my defense.
Online Dating Pre-Game Stretches
I am nervous to meet this man because what if he thinks I’m too fat? What if the lighting isn’t good in the place we meet, and he can see every wrinkle on my face and white hair on my head? What if I’m boring and can’t think of anything interesting to talk about? What if I fart? I mean, come on! That's not a first-date concern. That's an Olympic event.
Awards Ceremony
Of course, I am a winner. I get the gold medal for overthinking my life away.
I stand at the podium and wonder:
Did I deserve this?
Was my performance good enough?
Do the silver and bronze medalists secretly hate me?
The crowd applauds. I assume they're being sarcastic.
Someone takes a picture of me with my medal. I immediately ask to see it so I can hate it.
I try to meditate sometimes in order to stop thinking, but usually I end up thinking about how I'm not thinking.
At this point, I've accepted that overthinking is probably my sport. I've trained for it my entire life. Frankly, I should have gone pro.
But I should have learned by now that life is going to happen, whether I think about it or not.
nina
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