Somewhere Between a Song and a Scroll
Do you ever start to listen to a song you don’t really want to hear, but you have to listen to the entire song because now it’s in your head? I’m weird like that.
I’ve heard that if you have a song you can’t get out of your head, the only way to get it out is to listen to it. Does that sound counterintuitive, or is it just me?
Have you ever binged on a show to the point that you are sick of all the characters and your head hurts, and it’s way past your bedtime, but you continue, nevertheless? Why do we do this exactly?
Maybe human beings are just creatures of unfinished business.
Maybe our brains hate loose ends.
Songs need conclusions.
Episodes need resolutions.
Thoughts need somewhere to land.
Maybe that’s why we keep scrolling even after we stop enjoying it. Maybe that’s why we reread old messages we practically have memorized already. Maybe that’s why some people stay attached to people they know are wrong for them. The mind seems to confuse repetition with resolution.
And somehow exhaustion never stops us.
Sometimes it actually fuels us.
I have stayed awake watching shows I no longer even liked. At a certain point, I wasn’t watching because I was entertained anymore. I was watching because I had already invested too much time into the characters. Their problems started to feel like my problems.
Which is ridiculous, considering they don’t even exist.
Maybe this is what overthinking is too: mentally replaying the same emotional song over and over because your brain thinks eventually there will be a different ending.
But there usually isn’t.
I don’t know what I’m looking for when I’m scrolling after midnight mindlessly. I think about that song by U2, “I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For.” Have I found it yet? I suspect what I’m looking for is not in memes and reels.
Maybe that’s why I’ve been trying to replace noise with softer things lately. I’ve been listening to audiobooks before I go to bed. Being read to almost feels like you are 5 again and your mom is reading you a book. There is something very comforting about it. Now all I need is to lie in someone’s lap and become a toddler again.
I’ve admitted this on my blog before, but I sometimes still suck my thumb before I go to sleep. Embarrassing? Probably. But I think it’s another attempt to return to childhood comfort. As bad habits go, there are worse things.
If I had to admit to my drugs of choice, they would probably be food and music, and thankfully, neither of those is meth. My friend and I have an ongoing joke: “At least we’re not doing meth.” It’s a low bar, but still.
I think we are ultimately looking for comfort in this world. These new-fangled digital toys seem to give us comfort, but sometimes the only real comfort is in the form of a connection with a human being in real life.
I feel like I don’t hug enough people, enough of the time. Physical affection is my love language. I can’t get the same feeling of a hug through a video call or a text.
People use all kinds of things to substitute for human connection. Whether it be social media, television, or even pornography, I feel like all these things do not satisfy you the way having face-to-face interaction with another person can.
Someone told me that there is a group of 15-year-old boys who are getting AI girlfriends. This depresses me, and I think it further illustrates how our lives are being taken over by technology. I had imaginary boyfriends as a child, and I think that is about as far as pretend should go.
I miss hanging out with the neighborhood kids like I did when I was younger. I had a swingset in my backyard. I spent a lot more time outside as a child. Even when I was a teenager, I would sit under one of our trees and read the newspaper. Now I’m so old I’m afraid if I sit down on the grass I’ll never be able to get up.
I’m longing for things now, as an adult. Maybe I’m longing for nature and human touch. I’m longing to get away from my digital dependence. Sometimes I just want to be free of all my devices and sit and listen to the song of the birds with my best friends sitting next to me on the grass.
I’m exhausted by the new way we do things. I don’t need to find a new way to be; I need to find the old ways we used to be.
nina
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Imagine two loud, dramatic, hilarious Indian women explaining to a white man what it's like to grow up and live in America. Join us for laughter, deep thoughts, and witty banter about life, love and culture. We tell it like it is, with honest, bold and funny stories, discussions and arguments. We explore boundaries and challenge norms. Join us for a good talk.
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