My Conversations with God
Nina: Um so… you do realize what I just put out there for the world to read.
God: Yes
Nina: Do you understand the implications of what I am saying? What am I supposed to say when someone asks me about it? What’s the company line?
God: What are you afraid of?
Nina: I don’t know, being ridiculed. Being killed. You pick. Do you have a plan, at least?
God: I’ll admit I’m a planner.
Nina: I’m not! What do I do next???
God: Be nina.
Nina: What does that even mean?
God: I chose you because of who you are.
Nina: Didn’t you make me who I am?
God: No.
Nina: Did my soul make me who I am?
God: That’s closer to the right answer.
Nina: What is the right answer? Is this a multiple-choice question? I’m not good at standardized tests!
God: Breathe.
Ancient Indian Stone Sculpture of a Female Deity
Image courtesy of Ravindra Kumar via Scopio
The first time god started speaking to me, I would laugh so hard in public that people thought I was on drugs. It is very interesting to me that god is actually hilarious.
He has such a different image around the world. As if you can’t swear around him. But you are always around him.
Never mind that he invented foul language.
Look, I never used the word fuck in front of my father. One time, we were in the car, and my mom almost hit someone. I said fuck. He took me into his study, sat me down, and said, “I never thought any daughter of mine would use such language.”
Yeah, you can see how well that worked out.
But the thing is, I, too, have this notion in my head of god as a father figure.
Let’s just say words have come out of my mouth.
Of course, besides being a lot of fun, god’s words are quite wise, beautiful, and poetic. He’s probably the best writer I’ve ever listened to. I stand corrected; he is the best. At everything. Not just saying that because that’s what you are supposed to say. It has been my experience that there is nothing better than the Holy Spirit.
In Sikhism, the Guru Granth Sahib is said to be a direct dictation of god’s words. It is the most beautiful, lyrical, meaningful poetry that can be set to music. In Sikhi, words and music are the way to god.
I don’t listen to Sikh prayers, but I do listen to kirtan, which is devotional music.
Being a poet myself, I am in awe of the beauty of the Sikh scriptures. I’m also fascinated by every word that comes out of god’s mouth into my mind.
Nina: OK, I repeat the question: What am I doing now? What are we doing? I mean, we are in this together, right?
God: I have always been there with you, inside you.
Nina: OK, great, but what’s the plan? There has to be a plan. You are god. You like to make things like destiny and fate. What is my fate, my destiny?
God: This is your fate and your destiny. Right now. Right here.
Nina: Could you elaborate and be more specific?
God: Be yourself, and others will learn how to be themselves. You asked me if I made you who you are. You created yourself.
Nina: What am I supposed to do?
God: You are not supposed to do anything. You are supposed to be.
Nina: Be what?
God: Whatever you want to be.
Nina: So I sit here and hang out, and you keep talking to me, and now I’ve told the whole wide world about it?
God: For now, yes, that is the plan.
Look, people, I’ve been keeping these conversations with god to myself for 25 years. It is cathartic to share this.
I’m also nervous.
What will people say? What will they think?
You know what, fuck that. I’m telling you my lived experience.
If you don’t like it, go away.
nina
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