What It's Like to be Crazy

I have been what some might call bat shit crazy several times in my life. I have Bipolar Disorder. I don’t have a mild case of it. I am, however, fully medicated and perfectly sane and stable at the moment. I say at the moment because a moment can change so quickly, especially with this disease.

The times when I have been manic are when people might use the word ‘crazy’ to describe me. One of my friends refers to her crazy episodes as causing her to become “delulu.” Being crazy is absolutely insane. Stating the obvious by nina kaur. There really is no better adjective to describe crazy than insane. Okay, let’s try absurd, ludicrous, bizarre. It’s all those things and more.

First of all, I think diseases like Bipolar Disorder are biological, mixed with circumstantial factors. Meaning, nature and nurture. It just so happens that when I was 24, I had my first panic attacks because something traumatic occurred in my life. This spurred on my first manic episode.

It started with me thinking I was telepathically speaking to this man I had a huge crush on. He was a voice in my head, and he was lovely and hilarious and kind. Probably all the things I was looking for in a man. Maybe they were the things that were inside of me. Who knows.

I thought I was on a reality TV show, like The Truman Show, and no one told me they were taping the Nina Show. Any time I saw a security camera, I thought the world was watching me.

Okay, I have to go back a moment to the beginning. When I had those first panic attacks, I felt god talking to me. I know that is a signature crazy symptom.

This is what happened. I was sleeping, and I heard god say to me, “Wake up.” So I did. Just to clarify, I did not hear a sound in my ears; this voice was coming from my mind, not an auditory hallucination. “Go to the window,” the voice said. So I did. “You are in heaven.”

I looked around, and everything looked exactly the same. “Everything looks the same,” I said in my head.

“Exactly,” the voice said. “You are god.” The voice went away after that. So, of course, I proceeded to lose my mind. Am I god? I thought. Am I supposed to tell people this?

Now here is the part about this story that makes it seem I am still crazy as I am writing this. I think it is possible that god speaks to people. I think it is possible we are all god. Does that mean I don’t have Bipolar Disorder and the delusions that go along with it? No. I have a disease. So why don’t I think the god talking to me part is just part of the disease? I mean, it makes book sense. It makes life sense.

How do I explain this without sounding like a nut job? I think the universe is trying to find ways to communicate with us while our souls are in a human body. Again, I am fully medicated and fully stable at this time. I still hear god’s voice talking to me.

The voice says the most beautiful, loving things to me. Things that I feel are coming from a place of true love. When I was manic, there were other voices besides the voice of god in my head, and I didn’t know what was what. I don’t hear those other voices anymore. Those other voices were interesting in and of themselves, but they didn’t feel like they were coming from a place of true love. The voice of god feels like love. Like a love that is actually unconditional.

I feel that bliss when I meditate, too.

Moving on...When I was manic, I was high. I would laugh a lot. I mean a lot. People thought I was on drugs. I would laugh uncontrollably and then start crying manically.

My moods would shift dramatically and rapidly. I think because I have these radical, deep mood swings, I’m able to feel highs that normal people cannot feel and lows that regular people can also not feel. This is both a gift and a curse.

There were times when I was manic, where I would randomly break out into song and dance. I know, I know, I missed my calling on Broadway. Just as an aside, many artists, actors, writers, etc. suffer from mental illnesses. I think we use our art to express these intense feelings we have.

Now let’s talk about depression. A lot of people know what depression is like. Let me tell you what it is like for me. Total and complete numbness. I don’t cry. I can’t feel anything. I can’t do anything. I have no energy. I don’t sleep all day; I lie down and am not fully awake.

I have recently found the best medicine cocktail that I have ever used, and I am not manic or depressed, and I have been stable for quite some time. It is truly amazing. Sometimes I look at the sun and think to myself, isn’t that beautiful. I spent a lot of time in the dark.

I’m happy right now, and it has taken a lifelong struggle to get here. I do not take this for granted, and I know how elusive happiness is.

If you struggle with mental illness, even if it is mild depression or anxiety, you know what it’s like to feel trapped and controlled by a mind that won’t cooperate. Trust me, I’m there with you.

The only real thing that has brought me peace throughout the years is connecting with that source of love inside me. You can call it god, you can call it the universe, you can call it all the names you want. It is real for me.

nina

Here’s a little music video about being crazy for you:

https://youtu.be/-N4jf6rtyuw?si=42FNqt8OH0wxrAbB

Also, the first episode of our podcast, called 2 Curries and a Ranch, is live!

Apple: https://podcasts.apple.com/podcast/id1874627207

Spotify: https://open.spotify.com/show/51Sa31KhLjryKuSMBpn1w2

Amazon Music: https://music.amazon.com/podcasts/8431276d-e98c-4373-9474-7a6c3fec688d

Here’s a blurb about the first episode:

Indians in an Arctic Freeze! Ironically, the two Indian women who are not genetically designed to weather freezing temperatures are enduring the Polar Vortex, while the white guy hangs out comfortably in California sunshine. Where is the justice in that?

Follow us on Facebook at 2 Curries and a Ranch!