To Go Out Or Not To Go Out

Am I wrong to Assume A mask will Protect me from Anything?

So the world is opening back up after quarantine where I live. I have to say I’m excited by this even though I know it will cause more people to die of Coronavirus. I’m torn. There is a part of me that wants to go shopping and hang out at a restaurant, then there is a part of me that is still afraid I will catch this disease and give it to my parents. 

I will admit that I’m going to a restaurant with some friends on Saturday and I’m so excited. Quarantine was harder than I could have imagined it would be. But I’m aware that I’m risking getting sick and more importantly giving this disease to my parents. 

So what to do?

I guess I’m still wearing a mask wherever I go and trying to social distance. I guess I’m just taking the risk, honestly. I don’t feel good about it, but I’m not sure how much longer I can stay in the house exclusively. 

Am I being selfish? Yes, honestly, I am. I’m not proud of this but staying indoors all the time is really trying my patience. My job teaching in college and tutoring can all be done online so I can work from home for a long time. So if I do go out, it will not be for essential things. 

This situation could last for years and it is not realistic to expect people to be locked up for years. However, we are all risking getting this disease the more we get out. As guilty as I feel about this, I can’t help but feel like I need to go out somewhere. 

I went to a container store for something I really needed the other day, it was the first store that I went to that wasn’t a grocery store. There was a thrill to being out I must admit. I feel like I was grounded for months and I’m finally allowed to go outside and play. I feel like a kid at a candy store. 

I tried to go to Home Goods, my favorite store, and there was a line outside the door. I’m not one to wait. I guess since it’s a smaller store they can only have so many people inside. Which I appreciate, but I’m still not waiting in line.

And then I finally did the deed, I went to the mall. I stayed 6 feet away from people, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. It was the most thrilling experience I probably have ever had going to the mall simply because I was not allowed to go for so many months. Also, there were great sales!

I know that we haven’t even seen the worst of Coronavirus, it’s interesting that the Coronavirus deaths are higher than ever, but the fear of it has gone down. The human mind is a very interesting thing. It’s the same thing with the Black Lives Matter protests, now that most of them are peaceful, the media coverage has gone down. 

We are interesting people, aren’t we? 

And then I finally did the deed, I went to the mall.

I honestly secretly wish my college would open up, I guess it’s not a secret now. But then there is another part of me that feels like millions of people in this country will die before this disease is through with us. Of course, I don’t want anyone I love or myself to be one of those people. 

That is how we think, isn’t it? That if it isn’t me or anyone I know, I can stand it. 

But it doesn’t work that way, does it?

But I have to say, I miss the world. I miss parties and restaurant gatherings. I miss being in crowds. I miss concerts and shopping without fear. I miss my life. 

But I don’t want this disease to come to my home, just like everyone else. But I have resigned myself to the fact that I could get it. I cannot, however, be OK with the idea that my parents will get Coronavirus. They are older and sicker, and I worry about that. 

I try to stay six feet away from them, but that is not always practical. 

This situation is very hard. 

There is a part of me that wants to run around town with no abandon. Then there is another part of me that is afraid. How to balance the two parts of myself?

I know that I will go out, I will just be as careful as I can be. I know I will meet with friends, and again, I will be careful. 

I wish you well with this dilemma navigating the world right now. Maybe you will do better than me. 

Either way, we are all in this together and this is not easy. 

“These are the times that try men’s souls.”--Thomas Paine.

nina   

This is how I sometimes feel wearing a mask out there.