Still Staying At Home

I spend a lot of time in this room Contemplating life.

What does it mean to be a human being? We are not human doings are we, we are human beings.

The stay-at-home order is kind of over, but I am still working from home and I am at home much of the time. I would like to reflect on how this situation has affected me. How am I adapting to this change in the world lately? I’m spending more time with myself. Do I like myself? Do I even know myself? These are some of the questions I have.

Since I have been spending more time alone it has occurred to me that my mind, if it has nothing to do, jumps around like a wild animal. One moment I’m making a grocery list, the next, I’m solving the world’s problems, next I decided the world has too many problems, next I decide I have too many problems. Don’t get me started on the problems. 

I have papers to grade and I didn’t sleep well last night and what is that pain in my left hip, is it serious? Why am I not exercising and what does it all mean?

I was watching Oprah and Eckhart Tolle mentioned that most inner change happens during times of chaos, when things are not going as planned. So what has changed inside of me?

I look at time differently now that I have a lot of it on my hands. Moments are slower in quarantine. There is something tiring about that, but if I break that down, sometimes there is more time to just be. I have actual time to focus on being a human being. 

What does it mean to be a human being? We are not human doings are we, we are human beings. What does being human even entail?

I have found myself being more compassionate towards my elderly parents. I have found myself doing more work for my parents around the house, in fact, I now do most of the housework lately because I have the time and I have recognized that my parents are just too old and too sick to do it. I didn’t fully see that when I was at work all the time and commuting for hours. 

I am not by any means doing anything that is not my responsibility, this is my home, I am simply taking over because I have realized these past couple months that there is a certain peace in doing menial tasks, like cleaning. And there is an honor in helping someone who actually needs it. And there is a great feeling of worthiness knowing that you are actually doing something for someone not because they asked you to, but because you asked yourself to feel compassion for them. 

I see how much my mom’s back hurts when she does the dishes, so I don’t let her clean a single dish. My father cannot see, has blood pressure and heart issues, and all he wants to do is make sure he doesn’t make too much of a mess when he is in the kitchen. All I want to do is tell him it is OK, it is OK that he drops food below the table. I am not bothered when he asks me to clean it because he cannot see where it has fallen. 

I am honored to have the opportunity to clean the floor beneath the man who has taught me everything I know about being a zen master. I am not a zen master, I am not even a minor, but he is. My mom and dad brought his entire family and my mother’s entire family to America, helped to educate them, and helped his entire extended family prosper. 

I don’t mind making chai for him every morning. I am humbled that I have the opportunity to do anything for him. 

Now that I have all this time to contemplate who I am, I realize that the most important things in my life are other people.

And my mother, who I am very much like, our relationship has improved in dimensions I cannot describe since I have been home in quarantine. She is so thankful that I am taking care of the house and the out of the house tasks, that she and I have come to a new understanding. I mop the floor out of love for her, not for the kitchen. I love her, and I don’t tell her, instead I buy flowers every time I go to the store so that there is some beauty inside since we are stuck in here. 

I didn’t realize how much pain she had in her back and shoulders until I saw her up close like this. I didn’t know that little things that I do could make such a difference in her life. I didn’t know because I was too busy and too self-centered. 

I am not chastising myself, that is part of being human, thinking of oneself a lot. Now that I have all this time to contemplate who I am, I realize that the most important things in my life are other people. 

Besides my family, my friends are everything to me. And how I miss them. I have an on-again-off-again shopping addiction, and now I’m stuck in my home with all this stuff. All these clothes and beautiful things, and I would give them all up to be in a room with my friends right now.

What have I discovered through this horrible worldwide pandemic? I have discovered that my relationships with people are all that matter to me. I realize that even my work, teaching, and writing, is really about my relationship with other people. 

But in the end, this changed my relationship to myself as well. I have had to be my own best friend. There are days still, when I can’t get out of bed because this situation is weighing heavily on me. Even though my parents, my sister, and my best friends are there for me, it is me in the end who has to do the waking up. 

Don’t get me wrong, this situation is making me very unhappy. But as Mr. Tolle says, perhaps it has given me a moment to look at myself and realize that even though my relationships with other people are what I live for, I also must cultivate a friendship with myself. 

I’m a mess right now, as I write this, I need to wash my hair and tweeze my eyebrows and put on some decent clothes, but for once I can look in the mirror and love this person that I am. I am not going to say that Coronavirus broke me, I will say that it has broken me open. 

But I want this lesson to be over just as much as I appreciate it. But wisdom takes time, doesn’t it?

nina

“Everything that occurs is not only usable

and workable but is actually the path itself.

We can use everything that happens to us

as the means for waking up.

We can use everything that occurs—

whether it's our conflicting emotions

and thoughts or our seemingly outer situation—

to show us where we are asleep

and how we can wake up completely,

utterly, without reservations.”

Pema Chödrön

A note to readers: If you have subscribed to my blog through your email on my former website, please subscribe again on this website at ninakaur.com to receive emails about my blog. If you have accessed this website through fortysomethingnina.com, please change that to ninakaur.com.