The Myth of the “Real Me”
Is there more than one version of you? Do you have multiple "personalities" or states of mind?
Do you ever wonder what version of you is the real one?
If you are with me on this, then you understand that people are very complex.
I mean, there is the confident version of me, the one who knows exactly who she is, what she wants, and how she's going to get it.
In this version, I walk around town not with arrogance, but with self-assurance. I carry the notion that I am worthy and that I have something to bring to this table we call life.
This part of me likes herself, hell, even loves herself on a good day. She sees the light inside herself. She realizes she has touched people with that light, whether through love, writing, or just conversation.
This woman believes she knows what she is talking about. She speaks with authority, even if it is self-deprecating at times. She trusts God, trusting that her fate has more to do with her actions than some predetermined destiny written in the stars. She believes that she creates her own reality, and she is determined to create the reality she dreams of.
Then there is the anxious version of me, the one who does not really know who she is and is worried about this fact. She's not sure what she wants or if she'll ever get it.
This version of me second-guesses her own value and strengths. She wonders if she is good enough, or ever will be. She is insecure about her appearance, her intellect, and even her spiritual nature, her very soul. Is her soul good enough to please the universe?
She walks around feeling less than sometimes. She isn't sure that what she brings to the table is tasty. She wants reassurance that she deserves to be in this show, or is she just an understudy who sits in the back while others lead?
Sometimes she really doesn't know who she is or why she was put on this earth. This woman inside me often wonders what the point of her existence is and whether she is fulfilling her own potential.
Then there is also the version of me that can avoid meaningful conversation and make small talk at parties. The woman who can be the life of the party, joke, laugh, and create a dramatic show for others to watch.
This person sometimes pretends she is having a good time when really she is walking around looking for validation for her charm and charisma. She knows she undoubtedly has both, but she wonders if she is just pretending to be alive.
This particular woman is a lot of fun, but she worries if she is more than that. Sometimes she just wants to break it all down: the misery, the questions, the existential crises she lives with in the back of her head.
She avoids being serious because she doesn't want to seem boring, but she fears that her essential self is actually boring. She feels she has nothing meaningful to add, so she cracks a joke, often at her own expense.
Then there is the version of me that cries in the grocery store parking lot. Sometimes this person holds my truest vulnerability. She is real, she is sad, and she doesn't know what she is doing, ever. She's just guessing about pretty much everything.
She is upset because, why is she upset? Oh yeah, it is everything. Everything is wrong. Life is wrong. She is wrong.
But at least she is honest. She is not pretending to be happy. She is not using jokes to cover up her melancholy, her insanity. She cries because she wonders if she is too intense, too sad, too crazy for this world.
Unlike the drama queen version of herself, she is searching for authenticity. Life is raw, and so are her emotions. Sometimes so are her words. She is an emotional mess, a beautiful mess, but a mess nonetheless.
She feels small in this car. She looks around the parking lot wondering if she is the only one.
These are just some examples of my selves, competing with each other to take over my being. Which one is the real me?
I think it is a complex conglomeration of all these parts of myself. I forgot to add some parts of my being: the philosopher, the teacher, the dreamer, the cynic. There are so many parts to me I could go on for ages, but I will stop here and examine the possibility that I am not alone.
I think most people have many sides to themselves, and this is the beauty of the human experience.
Maybe we've been asking the wrong question all along.
Maybe the goal isn't to uncover the "real me" hidden underneath the masks. Maybe the real me is the woman who laughs too loudly at parties, and the one who cries in parking lots, and the one who walks through town convinced she can build the life she imagines.
Maybe authenticity isn't consistency.
Maybe authenticity is allowing all of those selves to belong.
I don't think there is one self. I think there are many selves, each stepping forward when life calls them to the stage. The confident one. The anxious one. The entertainer. The philosopher. The woman falling apart in a grocery store parking lot.
None of them are impostors.
None of them cancel the others out.
They are all me.
And perhaps the real miracle of being human is learning to greet each version of ourselves with a little less suspicion and a little more compassion.
nina
BECOME A FRIEND OF NINALAND
If my writing has ever made you laugh, think, or feel a little less alone, consider becoming a Friend of Ninaland. Friends receive exclusive content, including bonus essays, audio versions of posts, behind-the-scenes notes, and the occasional piece that never makes it onto the blog. Your support helps keep Ninaland going.
Join here: Friends of Ninaland
$1.99 Every month
✓ Exclusive Content
✓ Bonus Essays
✓ Audio Versions of Posts
✓ Behind-the-Scenes Notes
Log In: https://www.ninakaur.com/friends-of-ninaland#page
Do you need help learning how to read, write, or speak English?
I am an experienced tutor who can give you real conversational and written expertise in English Language Learning.
I can also help with Foreign Accent Reduction.
I work virtually in any time zone in any country.
To explore tutoring with me, please submit the form below:
A couple of friends and I started a podcast called 2 Curries and a Ranch. Listen here: https://2curriesandaranch.riverside.com/ or wherever you get your podcasts.
Imagine two loud, dramatic, hilarious Indian women explaining to a white man what it's like to grow up and live in America. Join us for laughter, deep thoughts, and witty banter about life, love and culture. We tell it like it is, with honest, bold and funny stories, discussions and arguments. We explore boundaries and challenge norms. Join us for a good talk.
We have a new episode out: Body Hair
Join us as we discuss different humorous and serious aspects of body hair and all its entanglements.