My Emotional Support System Has Calories
You know that old idiom, eat to live, don’t live to eat?
Sometimes that idiotic phrase makes me feel judged.
Sometimes I live to eat. It depends on my mood, the weather, maybe the stock market.
If the economy crashed, all I would care about is the price of chocolate. Truthfully, I would buy it at any price. To me, it’s more valuable than gold.
I have an interesting relationship with food. On one hand, what is better than good food? Love and sex are strong competition, but those things come and go, whereas a good meal will almost always satisfy.
It’s 10:41 at night, and I’m eating cheese and crackers because I promised myself I would restart my diet tomorrow. Am I hungry? Not really. Why am I doing this?
I saw a movie once called Defending Your Life, where the main characters are in heaven. Naturally, the thing that impressed me most was that the food looked incredible. That is my version of heaven.
Which is probably why I have spent most of my life struggling with food addiction.
I don’t think I eat like a normal person. I eat like someone trying to emotionally stabilize a small village.
Some people journal. Some people do yoga. Some people process their feelings in healthy and constructive ways. I stand in my kitchen at 10:47 p.m. holding shredded cheese directly over the sink like a raccoon that pays taxes.
The strange thing about food addiction is that nobody fully takes it seriously because, technically, you still need food to survive. If I were addicted to gambling, people would tell me to stop gambling. But with food, the advice is essentially, “You need to keep doing it, just emotionally better.”
Which feels unfair.
Image courtesy of Bycovaag Gonzalez alonso via Scopio
Now it’s morning, and after the cheese and crackers debacle last night, I in fact did not start my diet this morning. I proceeded to go to Starbucks and get a coffee filled with cream and sugar, a blueberry muffin, and a sandwich.
The upside is that I felt really, really grateful for every bite of my breakfast; I didn’t let it pass me by. I appreciated it. Does that make up for the fact that I spent my morning ingesting enough calories for two-thirds of my day?
When it comes to food, I often don’t know what’s right or wrong. But sometimes I also wonder why we attach moral values to food.
Sugar and fat=wrong. Fruits and vegetables=right. I know that in some religions, self-indulgence or gluttony is considered a sin. I’m not sure if I totally buy that theory.
Delicious food is one of the great benefits of being alive. Now it is true that we can go overboard with it and make ourselves sick.
I’m not always sure how to balance health with pleasure. I want longevity, but I also want pancakes.
Food has been my consistent friend throughout my life. When I’m bored or lonely, I often go to food for comfort. When I’m happy, I eat; when I’m sad, I eat.
Surely emotional stability is supposed to come from somewhere other than melted cheese. Ideally, I would like to save my indulgences for the weekends when I’m socializing.
I know healthy food can be tasty. I just think I’m addicted to carbs and sugar.
Modern life makes moderation feel almost impossible. We are surrounded by food constantly. Gas stations sell cinnamon rolls the size of throw pillows. Every inconvenience now comes with a little edible reward. Had a hard day? Get takeout. Survived Monday? Dessert. Managed to answer your emails without crying? Apparently, you deserve a caramel latte the size of a flower vase.
At this point, I’m not sure if I have a food addiction or if I’m simply participating in contemporary society.
There is so much food available that depriving ourselves of it often feels like poverty. We associate food with well-being, with wealth.
But ironically, health foods are more expensive than junk foods. So it’s actually that you have to be somewhat wealthy to be healthy.
There is the wellness industry, and then there is the pleasurable food industry. I spend most of my life moving back and forth between them like a confused customer in a psychological food court.
I have to face the reality that I will probably never willingly eat kale and quinoa.
I have to face the reality that my chocolate addiction is a handicap, and I need to rethink how often I indulge.
I have recently discovered that fruits and vegetables can be pretty good. I’ve also realized that I can cook healthy food that actually tastes good. I’m trying, and I’ll get there eventually. There may never be the heaven I imagined, where carbs are medicinal and dessert extends your lifespan, but it will most likely be a mix of good and bad food to make a moderately healthy life where I can live without fear of nasty diseases while still enjoying the occasional treat and rich meal.
nina
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A couple of friends and I started a podcast called 2 Curries and a Ranch. Listen here: https://2curriesandaranch.riverside.com/ or wherever you get your podcasts.
Imagine two loud, dramatic, hilarious Indian women explaining to a white man what it's like to grow up and live in America. Join us for laughter, deep thoughts, and witty banter about life, love and culture. We tell it like it is, with honest, bold and funny stories, discussions and arguments. We explore boundaries and challenge norms. Join us for a good talk.
We have a new episode coming out: We Lost Nina!
Join us as we navigate losing Nina in the middle of our podcast and then discuss some serious philosophical issues. Then we go back to some humorous chats about everything and nothing!