My Attention Span Has Left The Building
Image courtesy of Maksim Chernyshev via Scopio
I think the world has done something to my brain. I’m not able to think uninterrupted for very long before I feel the need to scroll or do something meaningless on the interwebs. I swear to god I was just trying to think how to explain this, and I quickly checked my email because I’m waiting for someone to get back to me.
And as I was just writing that last sentence, I checked my X account. Why? I’m not really sure. It’s like I can’t sit with a thought. There’s music playing, and I don’t like the song, as I’m about to change it, the phone rings.
I’m overstimulated. There is so much noise.
It’s not just the noise coming from my environment. It’s the noise in my head.
I’m having trouble concentrating on the thoughts I want to focus on, and am distracted by the infinite thoughts that are annoying and unnecessary.
But on the other hand, silence feels a little suspicious; I don’t trust it. What am I supposed to do with it? Silence sometimes makes me feel lonely; sometimes I think I need the noise to distract me from the fact that, in some ways, I am alone.
Maybe that’s why silence unsettles me.
Even though I have good friends and a strong family, I don’t have a significant other, and that makes me feel lonely. But then again, I don’t think loneliness really has to do with other people; it’s often about not feeling like you can connect with anyone.
Maybe I write to connect, to communicate, to anyone who is listening.
I want peace, but I crave noise.
Maybe it’s because it seems like nothing is going on when it is quiet. The question is, does there have to be something going on at all times? What happened to Sittin’ On the Dock of the Bay, Wastin’ Time?
Wasting time has a special flavor; doing absolutely nothing is a very rare occurrence lately. But perhaps it could empty the mind of all the B.S., like a brain cleanse.
What would also be cleansing is doing something and not having to document it. Let’s not take pictures for once. Let’s not post it on Instagram or Facebook. Let’s just be there, experience it, and try to remember it.
I’m afraid I’m going to forget my entire life because I’m not really in it. It’s like I’m observing it like it’s someone else’s life.
I have also found that the older I get, the more annoyed I get. I get annoyed at small things, and sometimes I’m bitchy for reasons even I don’t understand. It might be perimenopause hormones, but I suspect it’s something bigger that I am annoyed with.
I don’t know how many times I say to myself, I’m too old for this shit. I’m too old to worry about what other people think, and I find it is a good thing.
But I’m also too old for all this noise around me. I’m too tired to want to please other people anymore. I’ve finally learned how to think for myself, but the problem is I’m distracted by all this stuff around me.
I see something shiny, and I lose my focus on what I’m trying to concentrate on.
This idea of multitasking is for the birds. I don’t think we were meant to do four things at one time unless it’s absolutely necessary. Some people multitask because survival requires it. The rest of us do it because we’ve forgotten how to fully inhabit one moment at a time.
Really being there while we do it.
What does it mean to be alive after all?
Doesn’t it mean giving our attention, ourselves, our minds to what we feel is important?
Where did my attention span go, and will I ever find it again?
I suppose that is the eternal question that I don’t have an answer for.
Maybe the real crisis isn’t that we are distracted.
Maybe it’s that we are slowly disappearing from our own lives while looking directly at them.
I don’t think I miss silence.
I think I miss my own attention.
nina
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A couple of friends and I started a podcast called 2 Curries and a Ranch. Listen here: https://2curriesandaranch.riverside.com/ or wherever you get your podcasts.
Imagine two loud, dramatic, hilarious Indian women explaining to a white man what it's like to grow up and live in America. Join us for laughter, deep thoughts, and witty banter about life, love and culture. We tell it like it is, with honest, bold and funny stories, discussions and arguments. We explore boundaries and challenge norms. Join us for a good talk.
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Join us as we navigate losing Nina in the middle of our podcast and then discuss some serious philosophical issues. Then we go back to some humorous chats about everything and nothing!