Fifty is the New F-Word

I will say that if you want to get on my good side, keep telling me I don’t look fifty at all. 

Why do I need this reassurance? Because I’m officially old, that’s why. I’m in the fifty-and-above category. So don’t ask me why I’m not smiling, and why I have that look on my face.

Maybe you didn’t notice, but I had to change the title of this blog to Fifty-Something Years in Ninaland. I haven’t written in months. In that time, I turned fifty. What do I have to say about that? Sometimes I think exactly nothing, other times I think I can’t stop talking about it. I could join a retirement facility. However, that does not mean life is over. Perhaps in many ways, a new life for me has just begun. 

I’m looking for a new job, and I’m trying to get fit and healthy. I’m searching for a significant other.  

I feel like I need to talk about turning fifty over and over. It’s insane, I can’t believe I’m so old on the one hand. On the other I feel so young! (With the caveat that my body is breaking down slowly but surely.) That is neither here nor there. I wish it were not here, but alas.  

I can’t believe I’ve been alive for five decades! The question is, what have I learned in all this time? I know a few things. I don’t remember any of them because that’s how old I am. 

But in all seriousness…I’m wondering where I’m at in my life. I think of this birthday as a new beginning. I mean, you don’t know, I could live to be 100. This could be just the midpoint. 

Actually, I don’t want to live that long. If I live to my early eighties, I’ll probably want to end things by starting a crack habit or something. I’m serious.

There are all these stories I’ve lived, I’ve read, and I’ve heard. They make me who I am.

And who am I after all? That’s the eternal question, isn’t it? I don’t know, man…you ever think about that? Who you really are. Maybe the question is also, what is life all about?

I’m not a religious person, but in my religion, Sikhism, the two most important tenets are seva and simran, service and meditation. Service can be very broad, I think it can even include things like writing and art. I’ve done some service, I’ve taught English, and I’ve taken care of my dying father. Those might be the two best things I’ve ever done in my life. 

Meditation is another thing that I think of as very broad. They say walking can be a meditation if one is mindful, listening to music, or almost anything can be. It’s a state of mind. On and off in my life, I have done traditional sitting meditation, and I have found that it transformed my life. I’ve started doing it again, and I can feel the impact. It brings me great joy.

There’s another aspect of life that is also seemingly significant: The search for happiness. The elusive search. Some people say happiness is a choice, that you choose to be happy and then find things that make you happy. I do believe this is true for some people, but there are conditions like poverty or sickness that can impede happiness. 

Happiness is tricky because it’s so magical but so mysterious. I want it, but maybe I have to have it before I can get it. I consider myself happy, honestly, but I think some things could make me happier. I’m looking for a job, but quite honestly, I don’t think a job is going to make me happier. I think possibly finding a significant other could make me happier. I think getting healthier, losing weight, and loving my body no matter what size, would make me happier. 

But if life were just about being happy, then things would be simpler. But it is also about surviving. I’m finding that writing jobs are more lucrative than professor jobs. I will probably get a writing job somewhere in corporate America because I need to pay the bills. Hopefully, I can make enough money that I will be able to travel. I think that may increase my happiness.

Sometimes in life, we have to do things we don’t love to do the things we do love. I would love to travel the world and teach writing and spirituality workshops. Maybe that dream will come true one day. 

Good old dreams…I think my dreams are different the older I get. My dreams have become more real. I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. But there are some things I will never stop dreaming about, like finding true love. What is true love anyways? I mean, maybe it is just a dream. Or maybe you are a person who has found it. Maybe it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. I think that last statement might actually be true. 

I mean, it’s good to have big dreams. I still dream I’ll sell books and win the Nobel Prize in Literature.

Once I learn how to spell literature.

I mean, it’s not too late, I don’t believe that. I think it’s never too late to do anything. Except maybe have biological kids, that ship has sailed, but there are other options if I actually want to pursue them. I’m not so sure I really do, though. Honestly, I think I’m too crazy a human being to raise another human being. Hats off to you if you are doing it or have done it. 

But there are fiercely fabulous things about fifty! Truly, I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks of me anymore. You don’t like me, move out of my way. You think I’m crazy? Join the club. I’m in it. You think I’m too old, too fat, technically unsaavy, boring, I could go on… my point is, if you think these things about me, all I have to say is, why are you spending time thinking about me?

Let’s face the reality that you finally learn as you get older, no one is thinking about you. I used to think people judged me for having Bipolar Disorder, and then it occurred to me that no one cares. Not to say that no one cares about me, but I mean no one looks down on me, and if they do, well, what in god’s name is wrong with them? It’s like looking down on someone in a wheelchair; you have some serious issues with your own mental stability if you think this way.

Also, when I say no one cares, I also mean, people are too busy thinking about themselves and maybe their very close inner circle, but mostly themselves.

I’m fifty. I don’t have a job. I don’t have a husband. I don’t have any kids. But you know what? My heart is rich. I have lots of love in my life, and I know how to love. For me, that’s my lottery ticket. I’ve already won at life.

These superficial things we look at when we judge people are just that, fake. I remember when I was young, thin, pretty, smart, and vivacious. I wasn’t as happy as I am now. I was insecure, I worried about what people thought of me. I thought I wasn’t enough.

How could I be so wrong? I was young but not free. I don’t think I’m actually old yet. I was kidding earlier, but I am older and wiser.

I know my worth now. I am enough, and I’m not too much. You are, too.

nina