Beauty Secrets of the Insane

I’ve struggled with the way I look since I was very young. I was a chubby kid. When I was thirteen, I went on my first diet. It was an old school Weight Watchers diet that my aunt shared with me. I lost 20-30 pounds, and suddenly I wasn’t fat anymore. I discovered makeup at fourteen and suddenly felt pretty. When I was sixteen, I broke out into acne because of wearing the wrong kind of makeup. I was devastated. I never felt so ugly. It went away in a year, but scarred my soul.

When I was in college, I used to wash my face with filtered water. Why? Because I had sensitive skin and thought hard water made me break out. Did water actually give me pimples? Is there really any way to really know if this was just a figment of my imagination?

When I was in my twenties, I had to at least wear foundation if I was going out in public. Why? I mean, can anyone really know? When I was in my twenties, I was thinner, never skinny, but totally fine, but I thought I was fat. I looked great, but thought I looked mediocre. I didn’t love my body then. I would kill for that body now. Just further proof that the Beauty Myth that you have to be perfect affects everyone, no matter what size.

Somewhere in my thirties, I started a makeup obsession. I bought every product out there, designer, drug store, I had it all. Again, why? I thought I looked dramatically different with makeup on.

Do I, though? Really? I started gaining weight in my thirties. Most of the weight gain had to do with the Bipolar medication that I was taking. I think the makeup obsession was me focusing on my face because I couldn’t change the rest of my body. After a certain time, I didn’t think I was pretty anymore. I hated my body. In my early forties, I got bariatric surgery, I lost a lot of weight and started to feel better about myself, but still did not love my body.

I will admit, I like to look good. I have more clothes than god.

But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve honestly realized my ultimate purpose in life is to be free of my ego. What does it mean to be free of your ego? It does not mean not loving yourself. It means, according to AI,” surrendering the false, fear-based, and separate sense of self to live from a place of unity, humility, and presence. It involves letting go of the need to control, judge, or take credit, allowing for a shift from self-centeredness to unconditional love and awareness.”

Humility is one of the key words here. I’m pretty sure wanting look beautiful is probably egotistical. I struggle with wanting to live in this world but be of another world. In this world, what you look like matters. But in the world where my soul comes from, nothing like that is important. How do I reconcile those two truths? I’m working on it.

Ego release is the way to enlightenment. Yes, you heard that right. I want to find Nirvana, one day. I don’t think the way there is through the clothing aisles of Macy’s. I am not going to become a monk or let my hair grow into dreadlocks. I’m not that kind of spiritual person. There’s nothing wrong with that; it’s just not me. So what is me? I’m trying to figure that out.

I recently bought a cashmere sweater on clearance and spilled pizza sauce all over it. You can’t wash cashmere; you have to dry-clean it. I think in the past I would have been upset by this, but now I don’t really care. I’m still materialistic, I’m entrenched in what Eastern religions call maya, the illusion of the world. Let’s be real, half the reason, more if I’m honest, that I am losing weight is to look better.

For who? To what end? If a man falls in love with me for real, he won’t be bothered by what I look like.

Why am I bothered by what I look like? I had a 50th birthday party, and I wore an actual girdle. Girl, ain’t nobody got time to be uncomfortable like that.

I used to straighten my hair, it’s naturally wavy. I just let it be now. I have no judgment whatsoever for people who do all the things to look fabulous. You go on with your bad self. But I’m just not into it much anymore.

I got my hair done after like two years, and they straightened and styled it in this photo.

I still wear makeup and nice clothes, but it’s just not that important to me. I also think things like makeup and fashion are a form of art. So I appreciate those who do it well; it’s self-expression, too.

Everyone wants to look good, but eventually, I will get very old and maybe not look as objectively good. Am I going to be OK with that? Am I going to have a choice? Is the way I look at that point even going to matter? So why does it matter now? I’m working on figuring that out. Am I superficial because I want to be thinner? I’m losing weight for my health as well, but I don’t love my body.

I love my mind, I love it all day long. I love my heart. But my body?

Why can’t I love this beautiful temple, no matter what size? I’m going to tell you something: making women want to be thin is a means of control by a patriarchal society. They can’t control our minds anymore, but even the smartest, most talented, richest women want to be thin.

Look at Oprah. Good for her, she looks great! She’s had a lifelong struggle with her weight publicly. She has everything anyone could ever want, but she still wants to be thin. She takes medication now to stay thinner, and there is nothing wrong with that.

I’ve considered it, I mean, I had bariatric surgery. I’m not above doing anything. Being overweight does not serve me, both health-wise and mentally. I decided against the medication for the time being and am trying to lose weight the natural way.

But back to loving myself, do I truly love myself if I don’t love my mind, body, and soul?

All my curves and stretch marks and wrinkles and cellulite, how do I learn to love that? I need to take a minute here and really ponder this. This could be it, the ticket to my freedom from society dictating how I feel about myself.

I got to just do it. Some things you just have to do. I have to love my body.

It’s going to take a moment, but I can do this. I will love my body no matter what size, shape, or condition. I will do this for my sanity, my salvation.

I will do this to be free.

nina