Tid Bits of a Life Lived Tangentially

Image courtesy of Rojins Chhetri via Scopio

So I use a Keurig to make coffee because let’s face it, it’s easy, and I may have mentioned in the past that I am essentially lazy. I don’t know what this grinding coffee beans or using a French press is about. We are not in France, people. This is America, and in America, we drink easy-peasy coffee that takes no effort and tastes very average. 

Well, I ran out of coffee pods to put in the Keurig for my second cup of coffee. What’s a woman to do? Go to Starbucks, that’s what. But I promised myself I would stop spending enough money on coffee that I could use to eventually put a down payment on a house, or so they say. What I really should do is go to the grocery store, but I can’t seem to get myself there. I detest grocery shopping. 

It doesn’t make sense because I love shopping and I love food. There is so much food in grocery stores that have you ever wondered what happens to all that food that goes bad? And how do they even make a profit if they are buying like everything, and people are buying like one-tenth of what they have? I’m not good at math, but it doesn’t add up to me. 

And then when I go to the grocery store, I don’t know what to buy. Am I really going to cook like I sometimes plan to? But I have to buy every single ingredient in every recipe. See why I don’t cook? And when I’m on a diet, I only buy healthy food, and I’ll end up binging on something useless like cashews. I once told my good friend that I went off the rails on my diet and ate a bowl of cashews. She was like, OH MY GOD! And proceeded to call it the Cashew Incident of 2025.

Shortly after, there was the Granola Bar Incident of May 2025, and the time when I had one, that’s right, one, singular, pancake, and was worried that I had blown everything I had ever done on my diet for the past 3 months. This is why I don’t go to the store people, I will overeat the good stuff and barely eat any of the bad stuff, and none of it is satisfying, and I’m left with guilt. And I’m bloated either way I go.  

Image courtesy of Danny Shumov via Scopio

I have a very complicated relationship with food; you can’t just leave me in an aisle in a store full to the brim of every kind of food imaginable. I lose my mind and often come home with weird foods I’ll never eat, like high-protein muffins. Blah, they are awful. They taste like they have meat in them or something. Or fat-free cheese. That is not cheese, it’s something altogether inferior and disgusting. It tastes a little like if styrofoam and milk had a love child. I don’t even know what I’m describing, just trust me. 

There’s also all this walking and lifting involved with grocery shopping. I mean, I know it’s not like you have to run around in the store, cause god knows I’ll only run if a scary clown is chasing me. 

Anyway, as I’m sitting on my deck in the morning, thinking about how I can only have one cup of coffee, I’m thinking about how beautiful it is outside this fall. This is a good fall, not some nasty hot autumn that turns into a snowstorm within a week. This is Michigan, though, anything can happen when it comes to the weather. 

I guess I should admit it, I know this is not a popular opinion, but I don’t love summer. I’m not sure I even like it. Heat destroys me, it melts my very skin. It perpetually creates moisture and sweat all over my body. And no, I don’t shower more than once a day, even if I come back from some scary hot day in the sun. I barely make it to the shower once a day, much less cleaning my body after I’m so tired from being under the evil bright sun. 

Yes, I said it. The blaring sun of summer bothers me. It literally burns my eyes. I know there is such a thing as sunglasses, but I don’t like things on my nose. I enjoy darkness; I’m not a light-seeking creature. I don’t even like to put on a lot of lights at night. Night should be dark. It’s upside down that the sun is out until ten in this season everyone is so obsessed with. It’s like a broken tube light.  

Fall is finally here, and I can breathe again. Literally, there is a breeze in the air; it’s cool at night. Thank god. Also, you are not forced to be so active in the Fall and Winter as you are in the summer. Everyone wants to move around all the time in summer. It’s exhausting! There are so many ‘activities.’ Whereas in other seasons it’s cool to sit around drinking coffee and reading books.   

On another note, as I’m sitting there, I’m wondering if what I really want out of my life is to become enlightened. In fact, I do, but I don’t even really know what that is. I’ve been studying it since I was fourteen years old, and I don’t know much more than my teenage self did thirty years ago. People, I can say that I did stuff over thirty years ago. I can even say forty if you can believe that! I’m only 49 for a couple more months, and then I have to deal with the big five-O!

Image courtesy of Maksim Chernyshev via Scopio

What exactly is happening here? Don’t just sigh and say I’m getting older. No, I am old. Is this going to stop? Please tell me this is going to stop…I can’t actually be at the end of middle age. That’s right, I can join AARP and get that discount at Denny’s. Are there any Denny’s anymore, or am I just showing my age? Denny’s probably closed down twenty years ago. 

I digress..back to the enlightenment convo, I know I want to be happy, and there are times when I am happy. But free, am I free? What is freedom? Who knows, I’m old, too old to be free. If I were even given freedom, what would I do with it? 

I lose my shit after one drink, and I’m in no way cool anymore. Was I ever cool? I’m so old I can’t remember. I know it seems random that I would bring up metaphysical questions while discussing grocery shopping, but it’s all related, you see. I’m trying to find the connections here, just give me a minute.

My mind does not work like it used to, no joke. I will not remember your name. Even if you are my student, I will talk to you as if I know your name, but I will never say it out loud because my memory is compromised, people. Aging is no joke; it makes you irritable and cranky and almost always looking for a bathroom.  

I have no idea why or how my bladder has shrunk since I hit middle age. Lots of things are happening, the worst of them being menopause or peri-menopause, whatever you want to call it. I’m moody with hot flashes, hence the hate of the summer heat. I’m tired in the day and can’t sleep at night. And I’m weird, I mean, I was always weird, but it’s heightened in this age bracket. 

I have my phone and computer on geriatric fonts. The font is so big on my phone that you can read my texts from across the room. Sometimes I can’t see a full website on my computer because my font is too big. This is all so I don’t have to wear my reading glasses, which I am protesting, again with the nose thing. Can you see now why I am trying to get out of the mundane struggles of my life? I want to find Nirvana and be at peace. That’s how I want to go out.

I’m serious, what are we all doing in our lives besides consuming stuff and being slaves to money so we can consume more products that are killing us slowly? Now and then, we go on vacation and see the ocean and wonder why our monotonous everyday lives are so boring and lifeless. 

There has to be a better way. 

I will find it. 

I’ll keep you posted.

nina