spirituality with a small s

Image courtesy of Aisha Abdulazeez via Scopio

I used to pray in high school.

Not casually—intentionally.

I wasn’t praying for anything in particular;

I just always had this sense that there was something more than all this. 

I would listen to Sikh prayers in Punjabi and read the English translations. It was quite a peaceful, transformative experience; I don’t regret doing that at all. All of the Sikh scriptures point to one thing: meditate on God’s name. 

So when I became older, instead of reading the prayers, I started meditating. I do mantra meditation, that is repeating a meaningful word while meditating. I use the mantra Waheguru, the predominant mantra in the Sikh religion. 

In the Sikh religion, any name of god can be used. One of my favorite shabads or hymns is Koi Bola Ram Ram, Koi Kudha, Koi Allah, translated as some say, Ram, some say, Kudha, some say Allah. I would add, some say Jesus, some say Moses, some say Buddha.

To me, it doesn’t matter what name of god you use, or even if you meditate in silence. For me, spirituality now means a connection with the deep love and truth of the universe. You can call that god, you can call that the great spirit, you can call it Bagwan. I like to think it is a collection of all the souls that exist. 

I mean maybe god is a computer program, and we are all living in one of its simulations. I mean that is not too far away from the Eastern notion of maya, that we are living in an illusion. Nothing here is real. 

But the notion of god as technology feels flat. I don’t think of it as a system.

I think of it as something… aware.

Not human, but not impersonal either.

Just this fascinating being that is the intelligence behind all of creation.  

 I feel like there is love on earth, and then there is something beyond it.
A kind of unconditional love we can barely comprehend.

Image courtesy of Alexey Vladimir via Scopio

Why do I think there is this different kind of love and bliss? Because I’ve felt it in deep meditation. 

It didn’t feel like emotion.

It felt like the absence of everything that usually gets in the way of it.

No fear, no wanting, no narrative.

Just… something beautiful. 

Maybe I would call it peace, but it was bigger than that.

It felt like love and happiness and nothing blocking that. 

Not the world, not my past, not my future.

There was no time, just that moment, and I disappeared into it.

It is of another world. 

I have felt it while living in this world.

And then it ends.

And I go back to being a person with opinions and deadlines and small irritations.

And part of me wonders if that experience is the truth—or if this is.

Because they don’t feel equal.

Life’s small events and feelings feel inconsequential after I have these moments of spiritual ecstasy. That’s what it feels like.

After I come back to life, I don’t question the experience; I question what I’m doing with my life. Why am I not always in that state of mind? What are all these small repetitive tasks consuming my life? To what end?

I still answer emails.
I still run errands.
I still get irritated over nothing.

But I’ve felt something that makes all of it feel… smaller than I can un-know.

And I don’t know what to do with that.

Maybe the point isn’t to stay there.

Maybe the point is just to know it exists.

And then live the rest of your life… aware of what you’re not feeling most of the time.

If that’s what we’re capable of feeling—

then what exactly are we all doing down here the rest of the time?

Honestly I don’t know what any of this is.
I’ve only seen glimpses of something beyond it.

But after you feel that kind of love, this world stops feeling random.
Even when it hurts.

nina

A couple of friends and I started a podcast called 2 Curries and a Ranch. Listen here: https://2curriesandaranch.riverside.com/  or wherever you get your podcasts.

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