I Care Too Much to Keep Watching

Image courtesy of Kirtan Patel via Scopio

Will we make a compromise with Iran? Will gas prices continue to go up? What in god’s name is a rape academy? Is there going to be another virus that causes a pandemic?  

Honestly, there is a part of me that doesn’t want to know the answers to these questions. There’s a part of me that doesn’t want to know anything at all. 

The news has become something equivalent to a horror movie, one you can’t switch off because you are kind of the main character. 

At some point, I stopped reading the news and started absorbing it through osmosis like a traumatized sponge. 

I’ve been reading poetry lately instead of doomscrolling. Instead of getting my inspiration from memes, I get it from actual, beautiful prose. The trade-off is that I don’t always know the latest and greatest story about what’s going on in this world.

If I really want to have a glimpse of what’s going on, I will often resort to late-night comedy shows. They usually cover the basics, and they are entertaining. I cannot consume hard news with its cold acceptance of the reality of the fall of democracy.   

I used to wake up every morning and immediately expose my nervous system to the collapse of civilization before I’d even had coffee.

This apparently counts as being an informed adult.

Somewhere along the line, consuming information became confused with carrying the emotional weight of the entire world at all times. There’s this unspoken belief now that if you are not in a constant state of outrage, panic, grief, or emotional exhaustion, then you must not care enough.

But I’m starting to wonder if living in a perpetual state of psychological emergency actually makes us more compassionate, or just more emotionally fractured.

I don’t know where the line is between awareness and self-destruction anymore.

I’m a die-hard liberal and follow politicians like Bernie Sanders on social media. Yes, I believe we should have universal healthcare and free college. In many countries, this is considered normal, not outrageously socialist. 

Why is some of the rest of the civilized world so much more advanced than America? I mentioned in a previous post that I may have to get a root canal, which could actually cause some people to go into severe debt. 

A root canal is something that someone could just decide not to get because it’s too expensive. I also mentioned that people sometimes fly to another country to get a root canal because the whole trip is less expensive than the procedure is here in this country. 

One trip to the emergency room and a subsequent hospitalization could cause someone without health insurance to go bankrupt. How is this okay?

I don’t want to know, I don’t want to know anymore. Not because I don’t care, but because I can’t handle how much I care. 

Let’s face the reality that many people are a few paychecks away from homelessness. People who work hard. Harder than I do. 

I’ve lived quite a charmed life, with a lot of security and privilege. So why do I care about people who are not living their best life? Because if I did not have an unconditionally supportive family and a strong network of friends, I could have ended up on the streets. Literally. 

I have a mental illness and was in hospitals with people who were homeless and struggled with horrible addictions, etc. There is nothing separating me from these people except a lot of luck and good fortune. 

There is a part of me that wants to shout, fight, and protest all that is wrong in my society. There is another part of me that wants to hide underneath a blanket with my poetry and ghazals, which is Urdu poetry set to music.

I want to sit in my beautiful, picturesque backyard with all its trees and perfect grass and forget about all the people who are suffering.

In countries like India, it is almost impossible to ignore abject poverty because there are so many people that you see people begging at your front door, around every corner.    

In the suburbs, where I live, it is very rare to see someone begging for money. There is one intersection that I frequent, which is a few miles from where I live, where there is always a homeless person with a sign asking for money. I’m usually sitting in my car singing along to music, temporarily forgetting the world exists, and then I’m confronted by someone holding a cardboard sign at the intersection, and I resent the interruption for a second before I remember they are a human being

If I have cash, I’ll give them a couple of dollars, and this usually makes me feel better. But honestly, whether it’s online or on the streets, I don’t want to see the reality of what’s going on in this world. I’d rather sit comfortably with my secure society in a bubble, not worrying about anyone else. 

Is this wrong? How much of my emotional strength should I spend on worrying about people whom I cannot really help? 

Look, I spend a lot of time and energy trying to keep my sanity. I suspect I’m not the only one. 

But someone has to care about the world at large, and it doesn’t seem like the people in charge really care. So what am I supposed to do?

This, I can do this. I can write about it, and I can start a conversation with the people I know. I can only influence in my sphere and hope it goes outward to a greater audience. I can vote for people like the Democratic Socialists, whom I believe in.   

Besides that, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. I don’t want to hear about it anymore. 

I don’t want to know every grotesque detail of every scandal, corruption case, abuse story, and institutional failure anymore.  

I’m sorry it disturbs my peace. 

Is that selfish?

Yes.

And I’m okay with that some days. Some days, I look in the mirror and tell myself, if I don’t care, who will?

How do we manage this inability to do anything worthwhile, with the notion that just being alive is worthwhile?

I used to tutor teenagers in the Juvenile Delinquency system, and most of them came from broken homes; that was some of the most meaningful work I ever did.

But the truth is, I don’t know what I should be doing. I don’t know if I should learn about everything that is going on in this world. I don’t know if I have the capacity in this little, singular heart of mine to carry all that pain.

I’ve heard rumors that there are concentration camps in North Korea where they torture people. I don’t want to know anymore. 

In this age, we can know almost anything. 

How do we choose what we want and need to know?

I don’t know, but I do care.

nina 

A couple of friends and I started a podcast called 2 Curries and a Ranch. Listen here: https://2curriesandaranch.riverside.com/  or wherever you get your podcasts.

Imagine two loud, dramatic, hilarious Indian women explaining to a white man what it's like to grow up and live in America. Join us for laughter, deep thoughts, and witty banter about life, love and culture. We tell it like it is, with honest, bold and funny stories, discussions and arguments. We explore boundaries and challenge norms. Join us for a good talk.

We have a new episode coming out: We Lost Nina!

Join us as we navigate losing Nina in the middle of our podcast and then discuss some serious philosophical issues. Then we go back to some humorous chats about everything and nothing!