I'm Tired and I'm Old

I’m tired and I’m old. That is all I know for sure. Oh yeah, and I’m fat. Life is glorious, isn’t it? I don’t mean to be so negative, but I definitely woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I’m still kind of pissed that I had to wake up at all. It’s almost noon, and I want to go back to sleep.

I ate cake for breakfast with coffee, which actually made me happy. But as you know, happiness is fleeting. One moment you have a piece of German chocolate cake melting in your mouth, and the next you realize you still have to file your taxes.

I’ve started frying my brain again, that is, watching TV. I got a free three-month subscription to Apple TV because I need one more streaming service. But I have to say there are some outstanding shows on there.

I feel like TV has become more elite or something. A good TV show can be just as good as an Academy Award-winning movie. Actors who were once only seen in films are now doing TV. I can get just as lost in a good series as I can in a good book.

Speaking of being lost, do you ever wonder what you are doing with your life? Like, maybe what’s it all for, all this hanging out with friends, watching TV, reading books, going to restaurants, and killing time? Oh yeah, and then there’s work, do you like your work, is it fulfilling? Does it do that thing for you?

Maybe you have kids and feel like it’s really nice to have created humans who look a little like you but act like aliens from another planet. I don’t know what it’s like to be a parent, but I can imagine.

What are we imagining here, a good life, right? There are good things in life. I’m not good at relationships, but I’m good at friendships. I cherish my friends. And food, I worship good food. I’m serious, what is the good life without good food? Empty is what it is, empty.

We’re all looking up at the sky

*Image courtesy of Marcia Simoes via Scopio*

But there are days that no matter how many good friends you have, how much delicious food you eat, and how much you laugh, something is missing. Some of this discontent very seriously has to do with what is going on in our country right now. Every day when I hear the news, I cringe. I literally can’t handle most of it. It’s devastating.

I won’t reiterate what's going on; we all know what’s going on. Things are getting really bad. I know that I mentioned in a previous post that I have a prejudice against old white men. I’m working on that, but the fact that America is being run by them in a very nasty way does not help their cause.

It’s not just the U.S., it’s the whole world. We are still relatively safe and relatively lucky. People in some other countries have it much worse than us, but somehow that doesn’t seem to ease the pain. The average person works paycheck to paycheck, struggling to make ends meet. The American dream of buying a house is not a reality for a lot of people.

Women don’t have autonomy over their own bodies in many states. Social programs like Medicaid and Social Security are threatening low-income and elderly people. I’m thinking of carrying a passport card in my purse in case I run into an ICE agent and I have to prove that I’m an American citizen. I mean, I literally understand why I needed one more streaming service to get my mind off all this crap.

Make me laugh, make me cry. Do something to take me away from reality. Then there is, of course, this creeping feeling that our mortality is coming for us. I’m sure every single person has had an existential crisis at some point, wondering what our existence is all about and why we are even here. What are we doing? What’s the point?

I deal with this by turning to spirituality. I’m kind of a hippie, and I think love is all there is. That we are here to love, and nothing else really matters. Peace and truth and all that good stuff. We all want that. I’m completely ordinary, just like everyone else. I’m looking for answers. I don’t think we are all the same, but I do think we are all one.

That’s how I get through days like this, where it feels like pushing through cement just to breathe. Everything seems hard, and nothing seems like it’s worth it. I remember that my true nature is beauty and pure love. I know, I know, that is the cheesiest thing I could ever say, but sometimes our beliefs are cheesy, and that’s okay.

Maybe you believe in God, or Jesus, or Ram. It doesn’t matter. Maybe you don’t believe in anything, that’s also okay. If you are a decent human being, isn’t that all that matters? I’m not even asking myself to be good, just to have a little humanity. A little compassion.

I took care of my dying father for a long time. People tell me all the time that I am a very good person for doing that. What I think is that most of you would do it if you were in my shoes. I did not do anything extraordinary; I did what I thought was right.

We don’t love people so we can win good Samaritan awards. We take care of each other, and then we watch each other die, unfortunately. We watch TV shows and read books about people trying to find meaning in their lives because we are looking for the same thing.

I’m just having a blah day; some people are having a blah life. Some people are having a bad life. This too shall pass. I’ll get over my indifference about life and move on to better things, probably by tomorrow.

I will read this and think, remember when you weren’t sure of a damn thing in your life. The funny thing is, I’m actually happy. This is what happiness really looks like; it’s filled with scenes of the void, just like everything else. I’m not always happy. I’ve been through a lot of interesting and eventful things in my life, but I’ve always been optimistic.

I know things will get better, not just for me, but for you, too. If you are stuck and don’t know which way to go, think of all of us; we have all been there. I don’t know what job I’m going to get and where I’m going to live, etc. I’m going through some major life changes.

But you know what hasn’t changed? My essential true nature. My spirit is still alive.

That’s what I know.

nina