I'm At That Point

I’m at that point in quarantine where I don’t know what day it is, I don’t remember my name and I don’t even care. It feels like it’s been years when it’s only been a little over a month. Time doesn’t make sense anymore. I’m not sure what to do with myself and all I really want to do is sit in a room and talk to my friends. I want human contact. 

But it’s not time yet. And I will wait. 

But waiting is harder than one might think. Especially when you don’t know exactly what you are waiting for. Am I waiting to be let out? So I can go catch Coronavirus? Am I waiting for it to stop spreading? Am I waiting for a vaccine, for a cure? 

Maybe all of the above. And more. 

But all of this seems like it will take a long time to happen. 

How am I supposed to hang out like this until the things happen? 

I can’t figure out if I am getting depressed or I am just frustrated with bad circumstances or if there is even a difference? And if that is even a question? I am upset and I have no one to be upset with. I’m not even sure if I blame the president for the spread of this disease and I blame him for everything. 

I want to be mad at someone. 

It seems kind of ridiculous to be mad at nature. Nature is so nice. 

What about god? Well, yes, I can be mad at god. But then that is also sort of counterproductive because he never even responds. I feel like there’s always some complicated lesson in everything that god does to us. But the truth is I don’t believe god does stuff to us, I think she watches as we do stuff to ourselves. 

Did we do this to ourselves?

No, I wouldn’t even blame us for this and I am usually ready to blame humanity for most things. But this time we were kind of taken off guard. This goes into the category of shit happens.

So what am I going to do about it? It’s 2:30 in the morning and I am up because I can’t sleep and I have nowhere to go tomorrow anyways. I don’t really drink that much but I’m considering starting to just so I don’t feel so much. 

Woman lying on bed

I feel a lot lately. 

I feel all these conflicting feelings. Mostly stress. 

I’m scared every time I go out that I will contract the disease and give it to my elderly parents. But on the other hand, I am excited at every opportunity I have to go out. I’m worried my classes will be canceled and I will lose my job. But I’m excited they may lift the lockdown. Yet I’m worried that even if they do open everything up, it won’t be safe for a long time.  

I’m sad I can’t see my friends or my sister. I feel lonely. I feel disconnected from other people. 

I wake up in the middle of the night without a clue as to what I will do the next day, especially on the weekends. There are things to do, it is not a lack of things to do. It is the heaviness I feel inside. It is the brain fog because of all the stress. It is a deep sadness for all those who have died. It is the fear that people close to me will be next. 

It is all of it. 

This is so hard. 

If you are sitting alone in a room in your house and you understand what I am talking about, please know that I don’t even fully understand what I am talking about.  Even if you are sitting with other people and you feel trapped, just know that you are not alone. I feel all these things too.

I’m worried I’m starting to crack. It took me twenty years to battle depression and I refuse to let even the possible end of the world ruin that. I am fighting to not lose it here. I feel like I’m drowning but I insist on surviving. 

Because I am a survivor. And I think you are too. 

We will make it through this. It will not be easy. It is not easy right now. 

You want to know the truth? I hate wearing a mask. I hate staying six feet away from people and trying to shout to them in my mask. I hate being afraid of strangers, worried that they will infect me. I hate that they look at me the same way. 

I hate sitting at home all day. I hate that the only way for me to see other people outside my home is through a video screen. I hate being afraid. I hate not knowing. 

But I don’t hate you. You and I, we are in this together. 

And during these broken times and this harsh reality, we only have our humanity to rely on. 

It is very upsetting that so many people have died and will die. It is horrible. It is scary that our economy is in such bad shape and that so many people are suffering because of it. 

I cannot mourn every person who dies, I don’t have it in me. I don’t have the emotional capacity to do that. But I do send my deepest condolences. I cannot help every person who is struggling to find their next meal, but I can take a moment to say I am sorry. 

Compassion may be the only thing that saves us. I feel for you, please feel for me. 

We can only share our pain with each other, and somehow that helps to heal it. We are hurt right now, all of us. Let’s talk about that. Let’s accept that it is alright to be this upset about things we cannot fully articulate. Let’s do this together because it is so much harder alone.  

When we get together once this is all over, we must remember that we are fragile creatures who feel so much. Let’s feel for each other. Some of us have always been hurting. Let’s recognize that and try to help each other. 

Let’s not forget this. 

As bad as it is, let’s take something away from this. 

Let’s take back our humanity.

Let’s be human through this, together. 

From one human to the next, I am suffering too. You get it. And that is why I tell you. 

nina