Sitting At Starbucks Again, Contemplating Life...
So I’m doing one of those posts where I’m sitting at Starbucks, staring out the window. I’m so grateful it’s not too hot today, it’s been like 90 every day. Global warming is killing my roses. I’m so pissed, I’m watering them twice a day sometimes and some buds are coming back, and some are even flowering, but I’m really annoyed that the hot weather burned them.
I don’t want to write today...I just spent the last fifteen minutes aimlessly scrolling through Facebook and finding nothing of value. I feel bored and uninterested in anything.
Have you ever felt like this? Almost like nothing can really make you happy and nothing matters and everything is annoying. Sounds amazing, I know. And I really don’t have that much to complain about, I had a good day. Life is pretty good right now.
I’m not sure why I feel like this. I feel slightly empty. Not in a terrible way, but in a way that makes me think like I’m missing something. I feel a void, and I don’t know what it is for. Maybe I would like a significant other. I don’t know, dating, especially online dating, is hellish.
On the one hand, dating really sucks. I mean it truly can be a nightmare. On the other hand, the idea of connecting with someone excites me on a level that perhaps nothing else can. Let’s face the fact that no matter how many friends I have, I still yearn for a type of intimacy that can only be had in a relationship.
I mean it totally sucks to have to wade through all these assholes and losers. Why can’t the man of my dreams just fall into my lap? Why can’t he just show up? Where is he? What is he doing right now? Is he looking for me?
Is there someone, is the real question? I like to think there is, I believe in romance and soul mates, but I don’t think you have just one soul mate. I think there are probably several people that could be my soul mate, but perhaps one that is meant for me in this life.
I’ve just had so many horrid experiences with online dating. People are not what they seem like, even after you talk to them on the phone, several times. But I can’t shake this notion that I’m missing something in my life. I mean I even think if I have a significant other, I could maybe adopt a kid one day.
I don’t know, maybe it’s time to start. I’ve been out of the dating game for some time now, but I suppose I should start the process. The hard part becomes when I have to tell this person things about me. Like the fact that I’m Bipolar, and eventually tell them I’ve been psyche wards before.
And when they ask me why I’m still single, what is my answer? Why am I still single. I’m 43. I don’t know. I mean I know, I’ve been battling on and off with depression for years. But I haven’t been depressed in almost a year.
But who wants to be with someone who is tainted like this. I know that’s a very self-defeating thing to say, but that is how I feel sometimes. But then there is a part of me that knows that I can be happy with another person and really make them happy.
It may be time to connect with another human being. I’ve been alone for a very long time.
I look at my parents who have been together for 47 years, I just took this photo of them today:
They've been together longer than I've been alive. I want that. I want that kind of love. I guess I have to do the work to find it.
nina