Therapy
So I saw my therapist today. We talked about the fact that I feel an overall sense of boredom or something in my life. We also talked about how I have turned my eating addiction into a shopping addiction. Besides that I’m doing fabulous, I’m very disciplined lately, I’ve been doing almost everything I set out to do and I feel great.
So why am I so bored? Before, when I wrote in spurts for a few months at a time, I would become obsessed with it. I would keep checking to see how many people liked my blog posts on Facebook etc. But now I have been writing on this blog consistently for about seven months now. There is a part of me that still loves it, but there is a part of me that thinks of it as a chore. And I’m not as excited by the response to my work, even though I get almost 600 readers a day.
I should be thrilled, thrilled that I’m writing and thrilled that people are reading it. You know that song, “Oh Yeah, life goes on, long after the thrill, of livin’ is gone…”? It’s kind of true, isn’t it? Life is not always going to be fantastic, inspiration is not going to always be there, but we have to go on anyways. It’s hard when you are doing something artistic because you feel this passion at times to do the work, and at other times you feel nothing.
I feel inspired on and off now, but lately, I haven’t been feeling much of anything. I’m not sure what to do to stir things up, get myself going again. To turn myself on. I still love writing, I’m still actually happy, one of the first times in a long time that I’m not fighting depression. Everything is A-Okay! But sometimes that is not enough. Am I greedy? Do I just always want more?
What is it that I want exactly? I want to feel like those times when I would get up in the middle of the night and start writing and not be able to stop myself because I am so inspired. Funny, that actually happened to me last week, but it doesn’t last. And then I’m left with the blah blah of ordinary life.
Who knew sanity could be so boring. I knew there was a reason I went insane. Sane people, like me now I guess, do almost the same thing, at the same time, almost every day. We get shit done, we do our work, we have some chill time and that’s it. We start again. I know this sounds weird, but I feel trapped in the good life. When my life was more chaotic and I was suffering from depression and anxiety, I never knew what the day held.
Maybe I got addicted to that feeling of spontaneity. I did random things at random times, never with any consistency. Today, the most exciting thing I did all day
I know there is still a void in my life because as I mentioned, instead of my food addiction I have become slightly addicted to shopping. There is still a void in me that needs some kind of fix to fulfill it. What is it that I need that I use these addictions to fill?
Maybe I’m a little lonely, I mean I spend a lot of time with friends but I don’t have a significant other or any kids. I’m not in a place right now where I want to date, so that’s out. I was thinking of joining a meetup group, like a writing group or meditation group. I would join a sport but I am the least sporty person alive. The fact that I work out on a treadmill still amazes me and probably everyone else around me.
In the last six months or so, I have been working very hard at balancing my mind, body, and soul. I have been looking for happiness in every corner of my life. And the truth is, I found it. The problem is, now what? What do I do now that I am much more normal and functional? No one ever mentions that happiness is not only a lot of work, but it can get boring sometimes.
Does that sound crazy?
Maybe a little, but crazy I am. And perhaps I am used to my life being crazy. Maybe I was addicted to that drama. Now that things are calm and working like clockwork and I got some of my shit together (I’m even flossing and making my bed every day), things seem to be slowing down and they feel like they are not moving.
Maybe I’m just a spoiled brat, but I suspect it’s something more than that. I suspect I’m not alone in this. A lot of you people out there are normal, living your life every day in a responsible and functional manner. Do you get bored sometimes with it all? Do you want to turn up the volume a bit on your life ever?
I’m not sure what I should do exactly to get out of this rut. I think I need to use that creativity I usually save for my writing and use it in my life. What can I do differently? I could go to Starbucks tomorrow and write there in the morning. There’s nothing like overpriced coffee and strangers talking to each other about stuff you don’t care about.
Actually, it’s nice to get out and do something different. I think I will take a walk tonight. I am staying at my sister’s place to watch her cat while she is out of town. I will be in a new neighborhood and I will make the most of it.
I will try everything to spice up my life and avoiding shopping at the same time. I don’t need more stuff, I need more meaning, more of a purpose. Maybe I should volunteer my time? I don’t know since I’ve been doing so much stuff for myself lately, I don’t have that much free time. I bet it would make me feel amazing though. We shall see.
But what I am going to try is to look at things from another perspective. My therapist also suggested writing ten things I’m grateful for every day and making new ones every day. I’m going to try that, it supposedly can increase your happiness by a lot.
I will do anything to be happy when I’m happy.
nina