I Am My Own Soulmate
I was talking to a friend last night about how I think thereare maybe like five people in the world that could be my significant other. I’mnot one of those people that can just find any old person to be with and makeit happen. This is not because I’m special, but more because I’m very criticalmaybe?
I don’t necessarily think there is just one person out therefor me. But I’m also not one of those people who thinks that just anyone willdo. I want someone who can think with me, can feel with me, and who knows howto show love.
I’m 43, so why I am I holding off on my search for thisspectacular man? Because I’ve decided to concentrate on myself for a littlewhile. I’m focusing on my health by losing weight, and my writing, and also onmy career. In the fall I may be moving out of Michigan if I find a good fulltime professor gig.
I’ve always been a romantic that really believes in truelove. I know that I will find it and I know it won’t be a fairytale either. Itwill probably be hard work. But I’m no longer in a mad rush to find Mr. Right.I want to become the person that someone would love to be with first.
I want my own cup to overflow with fullness so I can sharesome of it with another, rather than walking around with an empty cup waitingfor someone else to fill it. And what is interesting is that since I’m notlonger on the search for a partner, I’m not really lonely.
I have good friends, family and I have enough at the moment. It’s not that I don’t think that having a relationship wouldn’t make it better, but I don’t need it right now. I feel like I’m in a place where I don’t want to focus on another person’s needs. Does that sound selfish? Maybe, but sometimes you are allowed to be selfish.
If I really think about it, I think I may be content at themoment, or even dare I say, happy. Happiness is not something that you have tostrive for, it is something that you decide that you are. I’ve made thedecision to be happy.
I live in two cultures though. In my American culture, it is a fiercely independent culture where individuals are told to need no one. In my Indian culture, it is a culture of community and family. I think a lot of people in my Indian culture must think I’m not worthy of being happy because I don’t have a husband and kids. And perhaps people in my American culture think I'm dependent because I live with my parents.
But I’m really not interested in society’s definition ofhappiness. I think American culture can be very lonely. I think Indian culturecan be very restrictive. They say most people live lives of quiet desperation.I think that’s true. If society knew the answer to life, than why are so manypeople on anti-depressants? Why do so many people seem like they are miserable?
I’m not really interested in what other people think aboutmy life. People go around judging other people because they are afraid to lookat themselves. I would like a husband one day, and who knows, maybe I’ll evenadopt a kid or something. But I’m not worried about running out of time or thatI’m in some kind of race. If I’m in a race then the finish line is death. I’mjust running towards death.
So for me it is better to relax and let myself be free. I amprivileged to have the opportunity to focus on myself. Not everyone is able todo that.
Think about who and what you are focusing on in your life.If it is other people, don’t forget about yourself. You deserve to take care ofyourself. You deserve time for yourself. You deserve yourself.
nina