Unfinished Song Lyrics

I'm sitting by the lake in my car. I came here for peace. They are yelling at each other at home. I want to ask them, do they ever get a song lyric stuck in their heads? "Don't know what to do with those tossed salads and scrambled eggs." That's from the theme song of Fraiser, remember that show? Fraiser was so smart he seemed British.Why does the English accent seem so smart? The American accent doesn't seem as intellectual, is all I have to say. This is not because I don't love America. I kind of do. I'm sure I would love England if I lived in England. Americans have a superiority complex, they actually think that the U.S. is a superior country. It's kind of like saying there is a superior race. There are no special people, including Americans. I think we've made that clear this week.On another note, I'm happy. That is like a ridiculous thing to say in this day and age. But there is a joy when you give up your expectations about life. Not your goals, but your expectations. Let it flow. Let it be. Let it Be is a song by the Beatles."Seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind..." I worry about copyright laws. Is repeating song lyrics breaking laws? I'm going to do it anyways.What am I doing with my life? I wonder could a computer do what I'm doing, live my life for me? Do I have anything distinct that a robot would not have? Could a computer think the exact same thoughts as me? Do we even need people to think anymore? They are fascinating, thoughts, aren't they? We cannot see them, they are not tangible. You can't smell or touch a thought. So how real is it anyways? How real is our ability to think?Intelligence seems like a thing you cannot measure. They try to give you tests, but there is no real way to calculate true intelligence. It's like trying to measure beauty, what standards would you use? I like to think I'm smart, but is there anyone out there who thinks they are dumb? Or should I say anyone out there who knows they are stupid? I get the feeling everyone thinks pretty highly of themselves. I could be wrong.I think when we measure intellect we forget to add in creativity. It's an important aspect of the mind's power. It may be the most important part in fact. I'm not sure how I would perform on an IQ test, and I'm not sure it matters. I think the things they measure are arbitrary and biased. What if I don't think like most people?Sometimes I think I don't think like most people. It's funny to me that for every thought I have there is brain activity actually going on. Neurons are firing as we speak. I'm not even sure I know what a neuron is. I wonder how much of what we think is just a biological reaction to stimulus. How much of me, is me? Like something I can own and is distinct to me?Would any other brain, with the exact same circumstances as me, think the same way I do? Is there an element of my own unique nature in all this? I think I want to be special. Don't we all? I think we are all special, but no one is more special than anyone else. If that makes sense.I want to be able to think the thing that everyone has wanted to think. The thing that everyone is too afraid to think.I think you are god. I think we are all gods, that's what I think. Remember that movie, The Gods Must Be Crazy? I think they are crazy. They are us. Pogo had a wonderful cartoon that said, "We found the enemy and it is us." We are crazy and the enemy, and also our own saviors. No one else can save me, I have to save myself. We always think god needs to show up, but are we showing up for ourselves? Are we showing up for other people?And also, I want to save myself from what though? I think sometimes I'm trying to save myself from myself. If left to my own devices I may cause my own demise. We are the ones we should be afraid of. My own intelligence may be my biggest barrier. What do you think is the reason you are not doing what you should be doing?It's probably fear. It's pretty much the reason for everything negative in the universe. We are afraid to be ourselves. If we are seen, we are scared that transparency will make people despise us. How could I think such a thought? I can't tell you the things I think sometimes that I should not be thinking. It's embarrassing. Some of my thoughts may even be illegal. Don't arrest me for what I'm thinking. But there is the thought police.I'm on this new diet. Every day I want to break it. Every day I break it a little bit. It's OK, I'm doing much better than before I was on it. I guess my point is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid I will fail. I'm afraid of thinking about the wrong kinds of foods. I'm afraid of my own body.I'm not sure if I own my body, or if my body owns me. I want so badly to be free...Free of the shackles of insecurity I feel about myself. I want to be free to be who I really am and who I really want to be. Are these two different people?I've said it before and I'll say it again: I just want to sit by the dock of the bay. Wasting time.What if other people don't like my art? What if god doesn't like my art?It's so hard. to create something that has never been created before. To say something that has never been said before. I've even said that before.There is no winning. But there is also no losing. The final outcome of life is death, and death is not a bad thing. It might even be the best thing, we have no idea really. I'm going to bet it's good. I think this story has a happy ending. I'm going to be happy with it.

nina